There's a reason we all hate change. It's because it's hard. Well no duh Taylor, of course it's hard...it's CHANGE. What I mean is it forces you out of your comfort zone. It forces you to take a look at the routines you've established in your life and it forces you to evaluate them, and that's not always the prettiest thing to do.
Over the past months, I've been forced to take a hard look at my life and over the past week I've found myself crying over what I see more than leaping for joy. And now I'm at a crossroads of either (continue) living in denial, longing for a past that no longer exists, or embracing what lies ahead of me. Embracing the unknown.
I'll be honest, I often wrestle between the two and I have been for months now. But this past week I've been living in denial instead of embracing the future. And that's just made me frustrated. I feel like a fish who knows there's an ocean waiting for me but I'm stuck swimming in circles in a fishbowl instead of finding a way to get to the great wide open ocean. Do you know how frustrating that is?!? Let me tell you...it's beyond frustrating. How long can a person sit in that frustration? I have no idea, but I think I'm pushing the boundary right now.
So the only logical thing to do would be to accept the change and in doing so, embrace it and embrace the new life waiting for me. But no matter how much logic I can muster, my brain and therefore my actions and attitudes refuse to follow.
I don't know if anyone else feels this way. Maybe I'm just going crazy. I just feel like I want to scream sometimes but what good would that do? Well, for one, at least I would be allowing myself to recognize and feel the depth of despair I'm experiencing in hopes that I can find a way to move on from here. And that's the biggest thing, being able to move on. And I feel like I might finally be getting to a point where I HAVE TO move on. That's definitely not a bad thing but it's definitely a scary thing. However, when everything in life is pointing you forward, you can only look back for so long before you run in to a pole and have to look forward. I think I've run in to that pole and yes I'm a little bummed and bruised from it but now I'm realizing I need to look forward. And that's scary.
But as I said, there's a great wide ocean waiting for me, and now I have to find a way to get there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that change isn't easy, in fact, it can definitely suck sometimes, but you aren't alone. No matter what stage of change you're in (denial, acceptance, sitting and screaming in your car) it's all good. It means you are growing and becoming stronger. We are getting stronger.
So let's stop swimming in circles in a tiny fishbowl and find a way to the ocean.