It's easy to have a conversation with someone in a coffee shop or at your work-out facility or even waiting in line at the grocery story but when it comes to turning an acquaintance in to a friend, it's a little harder than just talking with someone about the weather. Forming a deep and meaningful friendship takes a little more effort and a little more time to develop. Trust me, I have had my fair share of trying to figure out friendships...and trust me, I'm still learning. But I am also learning what friendships don't work well and why.
Before I get in to what I have learned, I want to tell you about a friend of mine...or ex-friend, I should say. Let's call her Sally. Now Sally and I worked on a film project together which is how we became friends. But she ended up leaving the project half-way through, which was totally fine, but we didn't really stay in touch until we saw each other a few months later. That's when we really started hanging out again. And it was great. I had a lot of fun with Sally but I knew Sally wasn't a normal friend. And there's nothing wrong with not being a normal friend but the "not normal" of Sally's friendship actually kept me from having a relationship with her. And I kept making excuses for her about why she was acting the way she was but when I noticed she was doing the same thing to another friend, that's when I realized that she really wasn't that great of a friend. And it sucked cause I really cared about Sally. She's a great person, but when you see a bad friendship in someone else, it's a lot easier to see it in you as well. So now Sally and I aren't friends anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still value the friendship Sally and I had and I still care about her, but my friendship with her wasn't a good one and it wasn't deep. It wasn't helping me grow as a person because I wasn't being able to do life with her. And it sounds harsh but that's just how the cookie crumbled. So, I thought I would share with you the things I learned from my relationship with Sally and what kept us from having that deep meaningful friendship so that you can make sure the friends in your life are going through life with you, not just next to you.
1) Compartmentalizing friends
Sally had a tendency to compartmentalize all her friends. She had a friend for every reason. A friend she watched movies with. A friend she would go drinking with. A friend she went to coffee shops with. And none of her friends overlapped. There is only so much you can learn about a person if you guys do the same thing over and over again. The key is, you're not letting your friends be more than whatever box you put them in. That's going to stunt your friendships with people, and that's one of the things that stunted my friendship with Sally. Instead, invite your friends to experience all areas of your life, and experience all areas of there life as well. It's called doing life together. Try it. Enjoy it. It's a lot of fun. Trust me.
2) Only hanging out on your terms
A relationships is a two way street. It takes collaboration and commitment. Without that, you will only have friends that feel subservient to you, and that doesn't promote healthy, deep relationships. For example, Sally was unwilling to try to make plans with me to hang out. If we were going to hang out, it had to be last minute and it had to be spontaneous. That was really hard for me because sometimes I wanted to plan out my week so that I knew what I was doing, but Sally wasn't going to be scheduled in my week because she doesn't make plans, and that was really difficult. When you are the one dictating the rules, it makes people feel unimportant and not worth your time or friendship and it's really hard. Friendship is a two-way street. Make sure you're driving on both sides.
3) Not being vulnerable
This one is a hard one. Friends can only give you as much as you give them. The more you open up to someone, the more they will open up to you. Vulnerability is not an easy one, but the first step is answering honestly "How are you doing?" Everyone has a tendency to say "I'm great", which might be true. But what if you're not great? Let your friend know. It's the easiest way to start being open and vulnerable with them and maybe they will return the vulnerability. And that's another thing, if a friend is being vulnerable with you, be vulnerable with them. Sally was never vulnerable with me and it made the relationship feel like I was the weak one who always needed help. I didn't need help and I didn't need advice or to be fixed. I wanted to share in problems and talk honestly and have an open conversation. Sally wasn't vulnerable with me which made that simple thing unnecessarily difficult. Not being vulnerable doesn't make you strong. It doesn't give you power. It doesn't make you better or superior or whatever. Not being vulnerable drives people away from you and keeps you from having deep meaningful friendships. So take a step of faith and be vulnerable.
4) Not pursuing others
When you never make plans and only wait around for people to contact you, it gets old. I've been on the opposite end of this, not with Sally but with my old high school friends. It's tiring always trying to make plans with people. It makes your friends feel like you don't care enough about them enough to try and hang out them. As I said earlier, it's a two-way street. You can't sit around and wait for people to call you or know when you aren't busy. You should take some initiative in the friendship as well and pursue those friendships just as much as they might be pursuing you.
All in all, having deep friendships isn't always easy. We are all human. We aren't perfect. But it anything, I hope this helps you to recognize what you want in a friend and a couple ways you can tell that you have a great friendship in your life worth cherishing. And make sure you do cherish it while it's around. Friends are great and make life worth living.
With all that being said, I hope this helps and I'll talk to you guys in my next post!
Love, Taylor