Recently I posted a blog about practical tips to dealing with social anxiety. I realized that, in your view, I have no authority to talk on this subject. You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know my struggles. Why would you listen to me? I probably wouldn't listen to me. After realizing that I put the cart before the horse, I decided to fix it and share with you guys about my life long struggle with anxiety.
First, before we get in to the story, there are many different types of anxiety. I have more of a general and social anxiety than anything. With my general anxiety, there is really no telling when that one will hit or what will set it off. Looking back at my life, there is a consistent cause for about half of those attacks but the other half seem to be more based on situations. With my social anxiety, it centers around my fear of being left alone (I can talk about loneliness later and how that plays in to my life). Both of these anxieties have played a huge part in my life but they do not define me. So here's my story and my struggle with anxiety.
I've never really saw myself as an anxious kid growing up. I loved life. I loved hanging out with friends. I loved school. But looking back, I knew I had a couple tough years throughout my life. It wasn't till I was a freshman in college that I started putting a finger on what those moments in my life were. They were anxiety.
The earliest case of anxiety I remember from my life was in second grade. Everything was fine, up until the day a classmate threw-up in class. Starting from that point forward (almost to the end of second grade, which was at least 4 months) I had a hard time going to school. My stomach would hurt every morning and I would beg my parents not to make me go to school. I remember one morning specifically crying on the car floor as my parents were dropping me off. It was horrible.
But that wasn't the first time I had a hard year, apparently. I recently found out from my parents that Kindergarden was a really hard year for me too. My stomach always felt sick and I never really wanted to go to school. There was a lot of change happening that year in my life. We were moving houses. I had a new baby brother and another one on the way. And I was going to a new school. All of that put together set me off and started my life long struggle with anxiety.
The next attack didn't happen till I was in 5th grade. My school put all 5th graders through a program called DARE. Don't get me wrong, it was a great program but from the first day, it gave me anxiety. The police officer who came every Wednesday was explaining what he wore on his belt. He pointed out a little black box that you put in someone's throat if they are choking and can't breath. I remember my palms suddenly getting sweaty and my throat getting super dry and closing up. Every Wednesday I would feel this way and it didn't stop until a few weeks after the program was over. The idea of not being able to breathe terrified me, which is one of the things that sets off my general anxiety.
After that, I was fine until I went to high school. Like any normal student starting at a new school, the first few days were hard. I didn't eat breakfast and I felt like I was going to throw up. But that passed away soon enough. High school from there on wasn't too bad but I remember this one incident specifically during my senior year that really freaked me out.
It was the first time I had a full on panic attack. We were less than 24 hours away from a school rally and we still hadn't perfected our Pep Squad routine (yes I was a dancer in high school on the less than popular varsity pep squad team). We had auditioned during lunch that day for a section of the routine and I had made it, despite my coaches dislike of me. During class we were practicing in the gym and my coach told us that whoever didn't do that section perfectly during the next run-through was out. And, of course, I screwed up that entire section. I got off the floor and as I ran around to the other side to finish the routine, my throat started closing and I couldn't breathe. I was so terrified of getting kicked out of the section that I wasn't able to finish the routine because I was wheezing through a closing throat off to the side. That was first time I really had a panic attack. And let me tell you, it was not fun.
My next panic attack presented itself a little differently. I was a freshman in college and I was finishing an assignment for a big English paper due at midnight. I was up working late but wasn't able to submit it on time because of computer issues. This wasn't the first time I was late in submitting something and I didn't want the points off for a technicality. So, I did everything I could to make sure the teacher knew the assignment was supposed to have submitted before the deadline and hoped that she believed me. But my anxiety soared. I felt like I was going to throw up and something new happened. My body started shaking violently from head to toe, almost like I was having a seizure, which of course put me in to more of a panic. I couldn't sleep for hours that night and I couldn't eat anything the next day. That's when I started putting a finger on what I had; general anxiety.
Throughout college, I had little episodes like this (not to the extent of shaking head to toe but I dealt with anxiety presenting itself in waves of nausea and an inner desire to scream and curl into a ball on the floor). It wasn't until my senior year of college that I had another bad anxiety attack. This one showed up with a feeling of constant nausea, which caused me to struggle with eating...anything. I ended up dropping 5 pounds in less than a week because I wasn't eating and the fear that was causing my anxiety actually came true, which ironically dispelled my anxiety.
But throughout all of this, the little anxieties, the panic attacks, the prolonged anxiety, I figured out what I was dealing with and how to handle it. Whenever I felt anxiety coming on, I knew I needed to just run it out. And it worked. It wasn't always a sure fire thing to dissipate the anxiety completely but it always made it manageable. And I'm not going to lie, during periods of prolonged anxiety, there was nothing that really lessened what I was feeling, but getting out and exercising anyways always made me feel a little better. I still get anxiety today in the form of feeling nauseous, not being able to eat, and small tremors in my hands but I know ways to deal with it now, which I shared in my past blog post.
I know this is a long post but I just want you to know that it's okay to be human. Dealing with anxiety is a daily struggle for some and a sporatic struggle for others. Either way, your anxiety is legitimate and I want you to know that you are not alone in your personal struggle. With that being said, I'll link my ways to deal with anxiety one more time and all what I really want for you in this post is to know you're not going through this alone.
I hope this helps and, with that, I'll talk to you guys in my next post!
Love, Taylor