I sit and cry in my car as a huge weight falls on my shoulders. "I'm never going to be loveable because I'm just not pretty enough. What guy would ever look my way long enough to be interested to get to know me?" These thoughts fill my head as I struggle to drive. But I'm going somewhere. I can't show up with a tear-streaked face and red eyes. So I shove those thoughts deep in to the depths of my soul and wipe away the tears. If I don't think about it, maybe no one will ever know how ugly and fat I feel.
Too often do thoughts like these run through our heads. Too often do we doubt ourselves. When I went abroad to Brazil with my church on a trip, I was challenged by my pastor to love myself for who God made me to be. Now, I don't know if you are religious or what your deal is, but I look at life through eyes of love and I believe that I was created by a higher power, God, if you will, who loves me. On that trip to Brazil, I was stretched and pulled out of my comfort zone, but not in the ways you would expect. It wasn't because I was walking through communities living in gang violence or because I didn't speak the language. No. It was because I heard hard truth about beauty. My beauty.
I believe we are all created in God's image and that we reflect God's beauty. Now, I have no idea what God looks like but I know He must be beautiful because I see it all in nature. I see beauty in the stars. I see beauty in the ocean. I see beauty in a bird chirping. Whatever created those beautiful things also created me. So I have to be beautiful. By believing that I'm not, I'm saying God isn't beautiful.
A painting can't accurately judge it's beauty and perfection next to other paintings. Only the artist can claim it's perfection and when it is finished. But ever day is a struggle to see my self worth. Ever day I doubt myself even when people compliment me. I never feel good enough. It's not that I don't want to believe that the painter's creation is perfect. I want to believe that more than life itself. But that little voice in my head, whether that's me or satan, I don't know, keeps telling me otherwise. So how can we silence that voice whispering to us from the shadows?
I'm not going to lie, I don't know. The only way I know how is to combat those lies with truth. A truth that I can cling to; that I can believe whole heartedly. For me, I find that truth in the Bible. For you, you might find that truth in other sayings or books or proverbs. Whenever a lie like "I'm not perfect like him or her" comes up, I battle that by reminding myself that "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalms 139:14).
Some days I fail more often than others and other days I feel great. But it is a daily struggle. Who knows how I'll feel from one day to the next. From one hour to another. I know I'm beautiful. I know I'm created in God's image. I know I have worth that no one can take away from me. It's truth I have to believe to get me through those dark times or else I have no reason not to believe them.
If anything, I hope this helps you know that you are not alone. Everyone feels like this. I feel like this. My friends feel like this. Even my mom feels like this. This feeling is not prejudice to one type of person. It attacks everyone. But that's just what it is, an attack. Find truth to believe in. Know your own perfect beauty. And believe your self worth. Because you are beautiful and have you have worth.